Metaphorically (and melodramatically) speaking...

So, I finally figured out why unrequited love hurts so much.  Or, at least, why it hurts me so much.  I have no idea how it impacts you, nor would I pretend to know.  But for me, when I finally find someone I want to share my life with it's like my heart grows more love.  Because finding someone else you care about doesn't take away love from anyone else, it just means you now have more of it.  The trouble is that in this analogy you can't keep all that extra love for yourself.  There's only so much room in your chest.  So you take this new, tender caring and show it to the other person and hope they accept it.  

Which obviously didn't happen, because if it had this post would've started much differently.  

So you figuratively (hey, I may be heartsick but I still know how to use literally) hold your heart in your hands and hope with all the strength you have that they'll accept.  And sometimes they don't.  And if you could then just brush the figurative heart off your hands on to your jeans and carry on with your day, that would be great.  But life doesn't work like that.  You now have a piece of your heart that belongs to someone else and you have to force it back inside, where it doesn't fit.

And it hurts.

Oh my, does it hurt.

Stuff on My Mind...

Gay rights. Right to be gay. I really think it's time for some of that. Or, preferably, all of that. I remember so clearly November 2008 - we, as a nation, finally elected a President that wasn't white. And I was so proud of us, and the US, for being able to look past someone's skin and elect them based on their brain. I still get teary thinking about that. In retrospect, the citizens that voted for Obama were probably the type of people who were never too concerned with skin color to begin with, but at least now there's more of us than them. Or something.

But I digress...

I'd like to be proud of my country again. I want to be able to hug random people and say "We're a nation I'm proud of!" But I really can't do that until all of my neighbors and friends and family and strangers and whoever else has the same rights as me. I've got it easy, and I know that. I'm straight and as soon as I find the right guy for me I get to marry the heck out of him. And I want everyone else to be able to do that too.

I have to admit, the amount of influence that the Christian doctrine has on our country really pisses me off. REALLY PISSES ME OFF. Last I checked, we're a democracy. So as far as I'm concerned, religion should never be discussed in government. Just not at all. Except to say, "Yep, we're still letting people practice whatever they want, that's cool."

I digress a lot.

I really don't know what the idiots, and if you're against gay rights you are an idiot, are afraid of, but I do know that it makes me sad and angry that in 2013 this is still a discussion. Let people get married, regardless of who they want to marry. Not only is it long overdue, and the only appropriate action, but I also really want to go to their weddings. They'll probably be fabulous.

hi again

you know it's been a while since you've last blogged when you can't even remember your login info. that's embarrassing.

so... i remember this being really easy to do. and now i just feel really awkward like people are going to read this and know how awkward i actually am, except they probably already do, so i guess that makes it ok.

something dawned on me recently, and i have to admit, it kinda threw me for a loop. and then i was shocked that it threw me for a loop since it's kind of a no-brainer. see, upon my last trip home, i finally realized that things change when you leave. the logical (i.e. ignored) part of my brain knew this would happen, and it was one of the reasons leaving buffalo was so hard, but the irrational (loudest) part of my brain said that things, on some level, would always be the same.

that's not true.

i'm sure every person believes they're the protagonist in their own lives and is an essential supporting character in the lives of others. i readily admit i'm more narcissistic than is probably good for me, but i don't think i'm alone in thinking that. which is why it feels like a jug of gatorade was just dumped on my head (only without the elation of winning a game - hurray for sports references i don't really get!) when it finally sunk in that THE LIVES OF OTHERS CONTINUED TO CHANGE WHEN I WASN'T AROUND.

shocking, i know.

the only thing that makes me feel slightly less sheepish for being so self-centered is that when i've talked to other friends who've moved away, they had the same reaction. "you can't go home again" because you won't find the same home you left behind. it doesn't mean it's a worse home, but it does mean i need to be less self-centered. and it probably wouldn't hurt to spend some time seeing what the other protagonists have been up to.

NIN FAQs

i recently had the extremely wonderful opportunity to make up for the last several many years by attending two fan-effing-tastic NIN's shows. their last two ever in chicago. and it was amazing. worth every penny i paid to the ticket pimps on eBay and made me regret even more not just going by myself in years past when no one wanted to go with me. even made me regret not rearranging my vacation schedule on occasion so i could have gone. but really, enough with the not-good-enough excuses. i went, i rocked out, and i accidentally punched the guy behind me in the nose, which i felt bad about until i realized he liked it, and then i just felt weird.

while in the midst of enjoying the performances, i found myself pondering certain questions over and over, or at least once. and while i could probably find the answers online, that would take some of the mystery out of it. so, with no more unnecessary build-up, i present you with the ten questions i would ask trent reznor myself, if i was ever granted an audience with him and retained the ability to form syllables (cause he surely did not come to the window when i screamed his name or when i told peter murphy to go and get him, not that i would have been able to do much more than say "hi" anyway, and probably ask question #9).

1. did you tour with that crap band jane's addiction solely so you could have a tour called NIN/JA? cause while that's a pretty great name for a tour, you don't have to invite people to open for you just cause they invite you to their festival.
   
2. speaking of crap bands, by all accounts you seem way more business-savvy than your average MBA. what's with opening bands that confuse your audience they're so unlike NIN? is it so that way we're lulled into a comatose state and don't storm the stage when you walk out? if so, well played.
   
3. why are so many of your fans mouth-breathers?
4. i nominated and my friends seconded and thirded that you are, indeed, the sexiest tambourine player ever. how do you feel about that? and feel free to add that title to your business card.
   
5. when recording albums you play all instruments except for the drums. is it weird to go on tour and have someone else play your songs? especially since you're right there!
   
6. what's your favorite song to play?
7. what's the song that you'd rather beat your head against the drum kit than play it one more time, but you play it anyway cause the fans love the fuck out of it?
8. did you design the kick ass light show? please understand that i'm going to assume that if you can play 87 instruments that you also know how to arrange lekos, fresnels, etc. and program a light board to provide the most severe cornea burns allowed in the continental US.
9. who's your favorite superhero and why?
   
10. i'm real sorry i didn't make it to more of your concerts. it was totally me, not you. we still cool?
    

i want my mommy

this feels so... weird. i can't believe i last posted on 3/17.

allow me to get this out of the way - i hate buying strawberries. they go bad too quickly. the fact that you're forced to eat them within five minutes of them being delivered takes all the joy out of eating them when you want to.

also, this nose surgery better work because i'm in some serious pain. sometimes it's the kind of pain that makes you want to cry, but you can't cause that'll make it hurt more, but normally it's just the kind of pain that leaves you slightly dizzy and thinking that something important is now dislodged and perhaps that sneezing was a very poor idea, not that you had much choice in the matter. i had the first type all last night (so badly i went to bed instead of watching "mad men" but my roommate is fantastic and recorded it for me) and the second type this morning and the rest of the day, which caused me to call in sick to work and watch "mad men at 9:30 in the morning.

and when "mad men" was finished and the pain was shifting back to the stabbity clomping (think getting stabbed but in a large area all at the same time, which, i realize, is impossible) of last night's pain, i, against my much better judgment, started to cry.

allow me to break it down for you - i wanted my mommy. it was just that simple. i was in pain and wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it would be ok and offer to kick someone's ass (in this case, the surgeon who did this to her baby) for putting me in pain, even if i did ask for it.

so i called my mommy at 10:30 in the morning (almost noon her time) and have never before been so thankful that my mom works 3rd shift and was therefore home and awake to answer my call. she was happy for the distraction as apparently sometimes kitchen walls need to be washed and that's what she was doing. and quickly the conversation turned from my nose to if i was a fool to move to chicago.

didn't see that one coming, did ya?

now, as i'm sure everyone who's ever met me, even briefly, has figured out, my mom can piss me off faster than anyone else i know. there are buttons i have that only she can push, and she doesn't even need to push, she can just exhale slowly in their direction and that's it, i'm done for. but i have never doubted how much she loves me and how proud she is of me. so as i laid on my couch, wishing i was allowed to blow my nose, my mom told me how proud she is of me that i didn't let something silly like "fears" or "worries" stop me from moving away and that no, i was not a bad daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece for leaving home and that i wasn't missing anything. and that it's ok that to be lonely, but that i'm good and what i did was good. and that the puppy isn't so much a puppy as she is a beaver so i need to be careful that i don't fall through the porch steps next time i'm home.

my mom is weird, but she somehow managed to make me simultaneously cheerful and even more homesick all at once.

so once i got over the homesickness, i decided to get a new issue to worry about on the couch, a much more difficult one that not even darvocet can dilute, and that is "what do i want out of life?"

nothing like a little light thinking on a sick day, right?

well, here's part of what i want - i want to share my life with someone. a partner, if you will. i'm not interested in rehashing my past relationships, but i'd like to try something 50/50. give and get. grow together, learn from each other, and possibly get some goddamn jewelry out of the deal. but i regress, i want to go to the zoo with someone and then go home at night and laugh about how cute the meerkats are while we're curled up on the couch watching something inane. and if that zoo is in london or san diego, even better. i'd like my non-existant man to have been bitten by the travel bug.

so, great, i want emotional attachment and enrichment. that's not really something that falls into the "throw money at it until the problem disappears" category, which is really the only category i'm good for, so i'm going to have to work on other things in the meantime. like the part where i want to do something meaningful with my life. and, i feel kinda like this is wimping out, but the peace corps isn't gonna be it for me. it's the 27 months and not being able to fly home for cheaps on southwest. my grandparents are healthy, thank the powers that be, but i would never forgive myself if that changed and i wasn't able to be there. so, as much as i'd like to be that giving, i can't. or i won't. either way, i'm respectfully/ashamedly bowing out of that arena.

but i still really need to do something worthwhile. i went to the zoo yesterday (yeah, yesterday my head was freaking fine - wtf?!) and was jealous of the woman who scraped the bird poop off the bottom of the bird exhibits. i hate poop and i hate scraping but i wanted to be her. or i wanted to be the minimum wage person who cut up the bird food. apparently only birds are tended to on sundays.

i think i need to do some charity work. i don't get the kind of fulfillment that i'm looking for from my job, and i don't think i ever will. it's not that kind of job. and most jobs aren't fulfilling, which is why people do charity work, at least i think that's why some of them do. well, as luck would have it, my CEO is on the chicago 2016 board. ya know, the olympics might be coming here in 7 years and that's really awesome as chicago won the bid for the US. and i've always been a fan of the olympics. i'm not much of a sports person at all but i contend that it is an international cultural phenomenon. it brings people, nay countries, whole damn hemispheres together! and they're looking for volunteers.

so, this is my plan. i will tell my CEO that i would be thrilled and honored to be involved in the 2016 project. i will have found some meaningfulness and feelings of do-goodery for my life. i will stop being childish and hating my job for what it's not, instead of liking it for what it is. i will continue to try new things in this beautiful city i live in since moving here was a good thing.

and i will blog more cause i have to tell ya, writing all this out felt freaking great!

yep

i do enjoy a holiday dedicated to the color green, beer and green beer. in honor of this holiday, i wore green to every work day (and some non-work days) during the month of march. only one person noticed. weak.

since i couldn't make it to 44, i went to my favorite chicago pub and had some harp. and i had the best chicken fingers (they call 'em strips out here) that they have out here. in fact, i dare say, they rival jim's. don't believe me? come and visit and i'll show ya. i'm sure as heck not gonna take you to a yucky pizza joint.

oh, and i also learned how to pour a perfect pint of guinness. all in all, pretty productive, i'd say.

crap

i went to the doctor's today. a holistic doctor. who told me that all of my problems are caused by the fact that i eat crap, crap, crap all day long. apparently, the crap i eat feeds the yeast in my gut which raises insulin levels which means that progestrin doesn't get made which means i feel like crap.

so, for the next 6 weeks, all i can eat is raw nuts and berries. like, seriously. i can also have veggies and other fruits and 13 8 oz. glasses of water a day. and acupuncture to help me deal with the fact that detoxing my body is going to feel like i have the flu and a hangover and am dying from e.bola and other crap. mostly, i think i'm going to die from the lack of beef, beer and bread. grain free is NOT the way to be.

but! when this is all over, i should be healthier, less reliant on "better living through chemistry" aka all those legal drugs i take and have a slamming body. i mean, pochahontas looked pretty good in her leggings and god knows she was eating nuts and berries like they were going out of style. then again, so do bears, and they're kinda fat asses. crap.