top 10

this just in - UB's business school is #10 in the regional school ranking, according to WSJ. while i'm sure that means we're not even in the same category as harvard or yale, i still feel like i should be doing my homework.

oh my god i love rhapsody and i can't believe i waited this long to play with it

as requested...

my favorite song lyric is...
"love is a temple
love a higher law
you ask me to enter
but then you make me crawl"

followed closely by...
"did i ask too much?
more than a lot?
you gave me nothing
now it's all i got"

yeah, they're from the same song. the anthem for all teenagers who feel the sting of unrequited love. or maybe that was a hamburg thing. either way, i'm surprized this cd is still working. i still appreciate the artistry, even if they don't really apply anymore. but i should listen to my other favorite lyricist and just get angry and get some cleaning done. angry music is good ol' productive music, even if it isn't prodigy.

you know what, this cd is kinda boring. but i still like the lyrics. for once, i'm gonna throw rhapsody on and see if i can find something fun.

at any rate, alanna, i just beat you to the punch in your own fight. i told you mine, now tell me yours. :)

Understand this fact...

This is hilarious. Biggie Small is a genius - especially when translated into "whitey." Yes, yes, it starts off rather crude at first but stay strong, it's worth it. If you remain unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money

Those the ones I like ‘cause they don’t get nathan’

But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever

However, I stay coochied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi

Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee

As I lay down laws like I lay carpet

Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit

TRANSLATION:

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:

Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns - get it

Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it

In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia

I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya

I’m clockin’ ya - Versace shades watchin’ ya

Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

TRANSLATION:

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:

First I talk about how I dress and this

And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses

The sex is just immaculate from the back I get

Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the

Climax that your man can’t make

Call and tell him you’ll be home real late

Let’s sing the break

TRANSLATION:

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:

She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long

Thought he worked his until I handled my biz

There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans

Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan

Schemin’ - don’t bring your girl ‘round me

True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRANSLATION:

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:

You - ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel

Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel

Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell

She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRANSLATION:

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:

Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?

While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke

Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke

Death stroke - tongue all down her throat

Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you

I’m through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRANSLATION:

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:

So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?

We can cruise the world with pearls

Gator boots for girls

The envy of all women, crushed linen

Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ‘em

The finest women I love with a passion

Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

TRANSLATION:

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:

High fashion - flyin’ into all states.

Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.

Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.

Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.

Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.

I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

TRANSLATION:

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

proof i need a digital camera

i took this picture at the erie county fair. i now see it everytime a livingston calls me.




this is the amount of mail i came home to after being in NYC for 4 mail delivery days. you may say i spend too much time shopping on eBay - i say Christmas should be every day.





on my way home from work today i saw this. is it a geo tracker? is it a lawn mower? it's GENIUS!

Growing up is hard to do

i've been doing a lot of thinking about getting older. and i don't mean older as in 30s and 40s, although i think about that too - but older. this year for the day of caring, we were at a nursing home and our job was to visit with residents and assist with an ice cream social. i spent the entire day wanting to cry. confined to wheelchairs, children rarely visit, minds disappearing... i don't want to live like that. but then i read articles like this and suddenly aging sounds pretty cool. i'm lucky that 6 out of my 7 grandparents (divorces and remarriages do wonders to increase the ranks) are still incredibly healthy and active - most likely more so than me, though that's not saying much. so i hope i will lead the fun life that my grandparents do, and not the "keep your chin" up life of my friend june.

on an entirely different note, looking at pictures of maeve and natalie make me want to go make one of my own. i told you long distance relationships have their upsides. in all seriousness, the garvs and the wicks occupy realms of readiness that johnny and i often feel as though we'll never occupy. but who knows - you can't predict the future. unless it's to say that the baby's room would be decorated in a green/underwater theme. but really, that's a given.

i got this "bad girl" calendar for my birthday last year and i wish i read it daily, instead of 2 weeks at a time - cause the day's entry would have made a lovely insert in the berfday card for jess, who shares a birthday with dorothy parker. the poem is as follows. ahem...

"i like to have a martini
two at the very most
after three i'm under the table
after four i'm under my host"

if that doesn't make a girl want to drink martinis, i don't know what will. oh wait, yeah i do. it's tipsy olives and a martini set. duh.

by the way did anyone notice that her birthday was on 2sday the 22nd? and did that make anyone else think of harvey dent? no, well, i'm using it as a segue to discuss "the dark knight," which i know all of you have been dying to hear my thoughts on. i'm nervous. oddly enough, less nervous about heath ledger and ryan phillippe than i am about news that katie holmes will again be in the movie - this time with a bigger role! what's up with that? the same chick is never in a batman movie twice. and she sucked. ah well, they could always have justin timberlake play dr. fries/mr. freeze and then cameron diaz can make an appaerance as mrs. snow globe.

check us out

and i think i know why this is. it's all the overachieving pmbas who have to write papers on friday nights and instead find links like this.

awesome

i just got back from a 90 minute pedicure. if that isn't enough to make all right with the world, i don't know what is. and there are huge garage sales all over allentown, so i can shop, while still enjoying the beautiful weather. all is right with the world, indeed.

a simile is like a metaphor w/o the analogy

or is it the other way around?

i have to tell you - this long distance thing sucks. i'm not whining, it's just that well, it sucks. i'm lonely and i hate being in my apt. lately. the really sucky thing is that i'm the kind of lonely where sometimes being with people makes me even lonlier. wierd, right? it's not the worst thing ever, it's not impossible, it'll be fine. it's just kinda like stubbing your toe when you should be dancing.

for some reason, on my way home, i decided that getting promoted to the really good jobs is like getting to be queen. there's a lot of people who have to die before you get to. or, you can switch countranies and move up the ranks over there. or, you could sleep around til you find someone who just gives you what you want with no real title. i don't know if any of this is actually true, but it amused me.

i also heard two excellent pick up lines on the way home. "hey, white girl!" and "baby, if you were helping me sell pillows i'd sell a thousand a day." maybe next time gents, maybe next time.

hooray for weekends!

well, i don't know about you, but i had a lovely weekend. it all started with the dictionary game on friday - and i'd like to give a hearty thanks to peter for setting it up. i had fun, once i got over my fear of wine. and i learned some new words and some new definitions of old words.

i watched my dad (cool dad, not bio-dad) build a pond in 6 hours, possibly less. well, i helped. i mean, someone has to sit in a chair and fetch beer. seriously though, my dad is a true nature artiste. really, truly, he rocks. and i made a little turtle looking doodad out of rocks, so i guess i rock too.

on sunday i went to the eden corn festival and played hick. my mom said that there was no way anyone would ever mistake me for a hick, to which i replied, "aw mom, you always see the sweetest things. now enough talking - let's go git us some kern!" mmm, i tell you, there is nothing like eden corn festival corn. it's just so buttery and yummy and freakin' good. and the complete lack of hicks had my mildly disappointed. ah well, there's always the erie county fair for that.

not to make you think that my weekend was all bliss, i got somewhat burned. no big deal you say, it is. i was wearing SPF 50! do you know how much of a freak of nature that makes me?! seriously though, i had a great time during my foray outside of city limits, and i'm really looking forward to doing it next sunday too. btw, maddie's a go for the ren fair.

i feel like blogging

but have nothing to blog about. work is, well, work and all of you who read this already know about my personal life, or will shortly find out when we go to 44. so, i'll fall back on an old favorite. art history. and you thought i was going to say batman. he comes later.

no really, art history. i love old art and i love learning about and talking about and trying to explain to people why it is so beautiful and moving. to my credit, i've once spent hours explaining this to someone. to his credit, he was only trying to sleep with me. to both our credits it worked. it's ok johnny, i'm talking about you. to me, art is like real life, only better. and i'm not talking about any of that modern crap - that stuff sucks and i will debate for hours on how that's not really art. or i could debate on how it technically is, but the point is - when you look at something and it actually causes emotions other than boredom, that means something. that's an accomplishment. for both you and the artist. not everyone is capable of seeing beauty. it's sad, but true. actually, it's not really sad, it's more of just a fact of life. but the reason it's like real life is that it just cuts through all the crap and gets right to the core. if the artist wants to show you how incredibly passionate and all-encompassing love can be, it can be done with the simple way the light touches a woman's neck. and despair - look no farther than the cracked cobblestone. and drama? well, look no further than my favorite technique - chiaroscuro. that's italian, yo.

and so, i think that's why i love comic books so much. not only do the artist's use chiaroscuro all over the place, but they make me laugh and cry. ok, it's really more smirking and saying "oh, no!" but you get the point. and they cost a hell of a lot less than a caravaggio.

speaking of comics, my original intent was to keep an updated list of the library up here. truth is, the list has gotten far too embarassingly large to post. if you want to read something, ask and i'll let you know if i have it. or, which is far easier, come over, wash your hands, and peruse the shelves. that's right, i said shelves.

score 2 for allentown

so johnny just called, "how'd you fare in the black out?" "what blackout?" "the one that alex and jess just had." "ha, didn't happen here - score one for allentown!"

and we have sweet tooth now and you don't. so now we're only down 465389712 for the win.

restoring my reason to live

ok, there really is no reason to get that dramatic but when johnny called me, and everyone else on the planet emailed me, to state that it was official that heath ledger would be playing the joker in "the dark knight," i started to cry. on the inside - where it counts. not really, but it was close. then johnny, who started my whole fall into despair gave me some uplifting news. apparently, in "the brothers grimm" he plays criminally insane and whacko very well. so well that johnny said, "he can do it gabby, he'll be a good joker, i swear." well, good. of course, now i have to go see that movie. either way, i heart christian bale.

besides the multiple communications surrounding archnemesis-es, three people who i was thinking about emailing today beat me to it. it was awesome. i am the most popular person ever. for today. hooray!

it's so hot out...

1. i can't eat before 9
2. i should just eat at 6 cause it's still hot at 10
3. i want to shave my head to release the heat
4. i'm considering putting my computer and fridge in the bedroom, aka - the only room with a/c
5. i leave the a/c on when i leave the bedroom in the hopes that when i return to the bedroom it will finally be not-hot
6. talking about the weather isn't small talk, it's the ONLY talk
7. i love going to work and having to turn the heater on under my desk it's so cold in my cube
8. i want to stay at work until 9 so i don't have to walk home in the heat, but then i refer to number 2
9. my fridge is sweating and oppossed to feeling grossed out or worried by that, i just think, "dude, i so know how you're feeling right now"
10. it's too hot to do pilates is not just an excuse, it's really true
    

please tell me it's not me...

i've recently developed a phobia. i'll call it stinkymephobia because i'm constantly terrified that i smell bad. logically, i know that i can't smell that bad. if i did, one of my friends would have told me by now, right? or at least stopped calling. right?! none the less, i had a dream the other night where i was at haley's house helping her paint and she told me i smelled bad. and i said, "well, i've been outside painting all day..." "i meant when you first got here." "oh." now, i don't think haley would ever be that blunt and my dreams have been kinda whack lately (i was dress shopping with amy augustine - remember her? - in a dream the night before), but really, i need to get over this. that, or buy some stock in secret.

also, i had jury duty today. it lasted for 1 hour and 43 minutes. truth be told, i feel kinda jipped. i never even got to tell a proposterous story to a lawyer to get out of it. the defendant settled and all of us got to leave. and while i was treated to a very productive day at work, i somehow feel like i got scammed and scammed the city in the process. ah well. we'll see what happens in 8 years...

so, "lady in the water," is really, really good. really. maybe the reason it's so good is that it makes you feel like a little kid again. all those times when you thought that something incredibly magical was happening to you, it really was. when i was a little kid i used to play in the forest behind my grandparents' house and one time i could have sworn i was being teased by a wood nymph. they giggle, just like the wind but not quite - cause the wind does not blow in just one tiny spot. they look like the shadow of a tree, only more like a tree and less like a shadow, and they move really fast. and the cool thing, my mom totally believed me. she said i was a very lucky girl because not everyone gets to see them. i didn't even totally believe it myself at the time, but after seeing "lady in the water," i totally do.

this is hard work

we all know i have a problem. and like most problems, it's expensive. especially when you don't know what you're getting yourself in to.

it all started when i was a little girl. i learned about batman. i'm not sure how i learned about him, but i did. and i LOVED him. still do. and then i found out about comic books and always wanted them - boys said they had so much fun getting them! - but i didn't know. but lo and behold, there's a comic book shop in hamburg! so my parents took me one day and i went in and had one of the most scarring experiences of my young life. the huge, mean man asked me which batman comic i wanted. there's more than one? yeah - come back when you know what you want. the subtext was, i hate girls. i was sure of it. for christmas that year my parents got me a subscription to batman comics, but it just wasn't the same. i was heartbroken. so while i still loved my dark knight, i survived on movies and animated series, and it kept me going for many years. and when i was 16 my parents bought me nothing but batman toys for christmas - that seriously rocked.

and then, i discovered amazon.com. and TPBS & graphic novels. and credit cards. well, really, i knew about credit cards a long time ago, but you know what i mean. and you know what, this is a freakin' complicated hobby! you would think dc.com would list all of their TPBs on their site, but they don't. and jesus christ, DC is apparently incapable of having a story arc without having it crossover between at least 3 different series. so you buy the TPB, and it's all good, right? NO! you can't survive on TPBs alone, because then when you try to pick up the next story arc there will be things you missed because they didn't make it into a TPB and you're lost. it sucks. so buy just all back issues you say, yeah, good freaking luck. and this infinite crisis thing is gonna kill me. like, what is it all about and why do i have to wait until 9/20 to buy it? and why does batman alone have 3 different story lines and which one is which and how the heck do they fit chronologically?!?!

ahem.

i'm a sane and rational person. all i really want is the whole story. and for nightwing and oracle to get back together. is that truly so much? it's just, ebay is expensive, the comic shop next door closed officially today and i'm scared that the one on elmwood is home to another mean, huge man. "come back when you know what you want, girl."

work humor

boss: so, what should i tell acctg. so they get off our backs?
me: tell them... if there was a problem - snicker
boss: what? yo, you solved it?

vacation montage

7/10 - i went to work. clearly, i need a lesson on how vacation works. and i got one, when johnny and i went to cozumel and got ripped on margaritas. i was a wuss to get ripped on only a regular 16 oz one, but i would never attempt to drink the 46 oz johnny did. mega is right...

7/11 - darth died. for those of you who somehow have missed this aspect of my life - i had a giant black angel fish i named darth. he used to have a twin named anakin until he ate him and everything else in the tank. i had him for five years. for one of those years he lived in a bucket in the kitchen sink after the tank broke. he survived a lobster, ick (the disease, not a comment on the lobster) and the cat. i tried to give him a "burial at sea," but alas, his body was too might to fit through the passage way to fishy heaven. so instead i tossed him in the kitchen garbage can and asked johnny to take it out. and then we went and bought more fishies and they're cute and none of them have eaten each other yet. bonus. this day also featured drinking at 1pm and going to see yo la tengo, but that's best summed up here. i keep waiting for the shrimp we bought to clean their eyeballs.

7/12 - i went to the salon and then kicked ass at kickboxing. i got to show off my moves on...

7/13 - perhaps, one of the most fun days. and by days i mean nights. went to 44, and then two lovely ladies and myself tried to find roxy's, but instead got lost, broke a flip-flop, fixed said flip-flop, drunk dialed a husband, and showed up just in time to determine that it is of the utmost necessity that we wear fedoras and become burlesque dancers. but i already knew that. and then, the unthinkable happened. we went to chippewa. we ran into chad (shaun-lite) and i asked him if he was scared of us. he said, "no, i'm one of the most confident people you'll ever meet." eww. and then jess said, and i kid you not, "you're a shitty waitress." did you get that? not wait-er, wait-ress. oh god, hilarity ensued.

7/14 - happy birthday greg and happy independence your crazy, blood thirsty, frogs. i went to babies r us to buy baby shower presents and decided that i can never have kids. i'd spend too much money on crib bedding sets. oh, and "40 year old virgin" is actually a very funny movie.

7/15 - i just tried to go to the comic book store around the corner from me to sell some truly terrible graphic novels. turns out, i hate elseworlds. at least the ones i currently own. and i was thwarted in my attempts, so i put the following letter in their mailbox.

Dear Sir(s),

Today, I attempted to visit your comic book store, and was unsuccessful for the fourth time in a row. As I’m sure you can imagine, this is irksome. Granted, one of the times was due to the presence of a screaming child and I couldn’t bring myself to come in, but the other times were due to you closing early. I look forward to going in your comic book store but never get to. You may not care, but you should. Since I can’t be assured that you will be open, and I am a graphic novel and TPB junkie, I go to Amazon and eBay to get my fix. Big deal, you say? It is. In the last month, I’ve spent $500 on graphic novels and TPBs. This could have all been yours, including some TPBs in NM condition that I’m looking to sell. And I would always prefer to patronize a local business as opposed to a national conglomerate, but hey – at least Amazon and eBay are always open when they say they’ll be.

Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood comic junkie

deserving of a post all its own

i just wanted to take a moment to shout out my own congrats to both the garveys and supons for their beautiful, healthy baby girls, both born july 8. really, i could not be happier for all six of you, especially the part where mommies and babies are healthy and daddies are proud.