Monday, August 31, 2009


i recently had the extremely wonderful opportunity to make up for the last several many years by attending two fan-effing-tastic NIN's shows. their last two ever in chicago. and it was amazing. worth every penny i paid to the ticket pimps on eBay and made me regret even more not just going by myself in years past when no one wanted to go with me. even made me regret not rearranging my vacation schedule on occasion so i could have gone. but really, enough with the not-good-enough excuses. i went, i rocked out, and i accidentally punched the guy behind me in the nose, which i felt bad about until i realized he liked it, and then i just felt weird.

while in the midst of enjoying the performances, i found myself pondering certain questions over and over, or at least once. and while i could probably find the answers online, that would take some of the mystery out of it. so, with no more unnecessary build-up, i present you with the ten questions i would ask trent reznor myself, if i was ever granted an audience with him and retained the ability to form syllables (cause he surely did not come to the window when i screamed his name or when i told peter murphy to go and get him, not that i would have been able to do much more than say "hi" anyway, and probably ask question #9).
  1. did you tour with that crap band jane's addiction solely so you could have a tour called NIN/JA? cause while that's a pretty great name for a tour, you don't have to invite people to open for you just cause they invite you to their festival.
  2. speaking of crap bands, by all accounts you seem way more business-savvy than your average MBA. what's with opening bands that confuse your audience they're so unlike NIN? is it so that way we're lulled into a comatose state and don't storm the stage when you walk out? if so, well played.
  3. why are so many of your fans mouth-breathers?
  4. i nominated and my friends seconded and thirded that you are, indeed, the sexiest tambourine player ever. how do you feel about that? and feel free to add that title to your business card.
  5. when recording albums you play all instruments except for the drums. is it weird to go on tour and have someone else play your songs? especially since you're right there!
  6. what's your favorite song to play?
  7. what's the song that you'd rather beat your head against the drum kit than play it one more time, but you play it anyway cause the fans love the fuck out of it?
  8. did you design the kick ass light show? please understand that i'm going to assume that if you can play 87 instruments that you also know how to arrange lekos, fresnels, etc. and program a light board to provide the most severe cornea burns allowed in the continental US.
  9. who's your favorite superhero and why?
  10. i'm real sorry i didn't make it to more of your concerts. it was totally me, not you. we still cool?

Monday, August 24, 2009

i want my mommy

this feels so... weird. i can't believe i last posted on 3/17.

allow me to get this out of the way - i hate buying strawberries. they go bad too quickly. the fact that you're forced to eat them within five minutes of them being delivered takes all the joy out of eating them when you want to.

also, this nose surgery better work because i'm in some serious pain. sometimes it's the kind of pain that makes you want to cry, but you can't cause that'll make it hurt more, but normally it's just the kind of pain that leaves you slightly dizzy and thinking that something important is now dislodged and perhaps that sneezing was a very poor idea, not that you had much choice in the matter. i had the first type all last night (so badly i went to bed instead of watching "mad men" but my roommate is fantastic and recorded it for me) and the second type this morning and the rest of the day, which caused me to call in sick to work and watch "mad men at 9:30 in the morning.

and when "mad men" was finished and the pain was shifting back to the stabbity clomping (think getting stabbed but in a large area all at the same time, which, i realize, is impossible) of last night's pain, i, against my much better judgment, started to cry.

allow me to break it down for you - i wanted my mommy. it was just that simple. i was in pain and wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it would be ok and offer to kick someone's ass (in this case, the surgeon who did this to her baby) for putting me in pain, even if i did ask for it.

so i called my mommy at 10:30 in the morning (almost noon her time) and have never before been so thankful that my mom works 3rd shift and was therefore home and awake to answer my call. she was happy for the distraction as apparently sometimes kitchen walls need to be washed and that's what she was doing. and quickly the conversation turned from my nose to if i was a fool to move to chicago.

didn't see that one coming, did ya?

now, as i'm sure everyone who's ever met me, even briefly, has figured out, my mom can piss me off faster than anyone else i know. there are buttons i have that only she can push, and she doesn't even need to push, she can just exhale slowly in their direction and that's it, i'm done for. but i have never doubted how much she loves me and how proud she is of me. so as i laid on my couch, wishing i was allowed to blow my nose, my mom told me how proud she is of me that i didn't let something silly like "fears" or "worries" stop me from moving away and that no, i was not a bad daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece for leaving home and that i wasn't missing anything. and that it's ok that to be lonely, but that i'm good and what i did was good. and that the puppy isn't so much a puppy as she is a beaver so i need to be careful that i don't fall through the porch steps next time i'm home.

my mom is weird, but she somehow managed to make me simultaneously cheerful and even more homesick all at once.

so once i got over the homesickness, i decided to get a new issue to worry about on the couch, a much more difficult one that not even darvocet can dilute, and that is "what do i want out of life?"

nothing like a little light thinking on a sick day, right?

well, here's part of what i want - i want to share my life with someone. a partner, if you will. i'm not interested in rehashing my past relationships, but i'd like to try something 50/50. give and get. grow together, learn from each other, and possibly get some goddamn jewelry out of the deal. but i regress, i want to go to the zoo with someone and then go home at night and laugh about how cute the meerkats are while we're curled up on the couch watching something inane. and if that zoo is in london or san diego, even better. i'd like my non-existant man to have been bitten by the travel bug.

so, great, i want emotional attachment and enrichment. that's not really something that falls into the "throw money at it until the problem disappears" category, which is really the only category i'm good for, so i'm going to have to work on other things in the meantime. like the part where i want to do something meaningful with my life. and, i feel kinda like this is wimping out, but the peace corps isn't gonna be it for me. it's the 27 months and not being able to fly home for cheaps on southwest. my grandparents are healthy, thank the powers that be, but i would never forgive myself if that changed and i wasn't able to be there. so, as much as i'd like to be that giving, i can't. or i won't. either way, i'm respectfully/ashamedly bowing out of that arena.

but i still really need to do something worthwhile. i went to the zoo yesterday (yeah, yesterday my head was freaking fine - wtf?!) and was jealous of the woman who scraped the bird poop off the bottom of the bird exhibits. i hate poop and i hate scraping but i wanted to be her. or i wanted to be the minimum wage person who cut up the bird food. apparently only birds are tended to on sundays.

i think i need to do some charity work. i don't get the kind of fulfillment that i'm looking for from my job, and i don't think i ever will. it's not that kind of job. and most jobs aren't fulfilling, which is why people do charity work, at least i think that's why some of them do. well, as luck would have it, my CEO is on the chicago 2016 board. ya know, the olympics might be coming here in 7 years and that's really awesome as chicago won the bid for the US. and i've always been a fan of the olympics. i'm not much of a sports person at all but i contend that it is an international cultural phenomenon. it brings people, nay countries, whole damn hemispheres together! and they're looking for volunteers.

so, this is my plan. i will tell my CEO that i would be thrilled and honored to be involved in the 2016 project. i will have found some meaningfulness and feelings of do-goodery for my life. i will stop being childish and hating my job for what it's not, instead of liking it for what it is. i will continue to try new things in this beautiful city i live in since moving here was a good thing.

and i will blog more cause i have to tell ya, writing all this out felt freaking great!