still can't remember what i was going to write about the other day

i always get a little melancholy after my guests leave; and by always i mean both times. i enjoy my solitary time, but i don't like it. it's not normal for humans to be alone, we're meant to be surrounded by others, so while i enjoy quiet nights with harlee and the fishies, i don't like them cause i know too much of it will end poorly.

i'm reading this book* that after 20 pages makes me want to amazon (i just made it a verb) everything the author has ever written and then, on page 29, my heart leaped into my throat and stayed there for a good long time. i suddenly realized that i don't want to be "one of those people who [are] never fully present in their own lives." and that's exactly what i was afraid of becoming without knowing it. granted, i was there, but not entirely. i sorta just let things happen to me and never really put much effort into change. always reactionary, never actionary (i'm making up all kinds of new words today!) and i knew if i kept on that path, it would lead to a very unenjoyable realization one day, perhaps when it was too late to do anything about it. back in the day, as i sleepwalked my way to old main, this kid used to shout "wake up!" to me at least once a week. i think i'm finally picking up what he was laying down.

but taking life by the reins hasn't been all fun and games either. i used to have dreams where i failed business school maybe once every two weeks. then i had dreams i didn't move twice a week. now i'm having dreams that i'll never find a job five nights a week. the strange thing is, i have these dreams after i've already graduated, moved and started to like my job. i wake up shaking, only to realize i did succeed, so why do my dreams keep telling me i've failed? i know i tend to beat myself up; i search for approval and acceptance in others cause i rarely find it in myself, and there's no reason. i don't really know what this means other than to say, i gots mad issues. when i'm not blogging or watching network prime time a day after everyone else, i generally tend to analyze the past and try to determine the future. i don't really live in the present. which is pretty lame on my part, but not so lame that i'm going to use that lame, "now is a gift, that's why they call it a present" quote. even though i just did. dang it.

so, yeah, that's where my head's out, for now, i guess. but i'm working on that. right after i do some cleaning. because my living quarters need to be clean now, as opposed to in the far, distant and uncertain but that's totally fine, future.

* i tend to read a lot know that i have a library across the street from me and i don't have a TV and there's only so much network stuff i can watch. and this book reminds me of the movie "closer" which i really would have like to see as a play since that's what it originally was. but, anyway, siri hustvedt wrote "what i loved" and i'm really strongly in like with it.